Hello people, if you are still checking back in occasionally. I doubt it, but hey if you are reading this, Happy 2025!
I've been on radio silence (has it been 2 years?!) because finding time to blog as a full time working mum is hard. Period. However, I have made a mental note to start blogging again, because I do love to write. And I would love my children to be able to read back on my life before I had them, my thoughts along the way.. a digital legacy if you may.
Let me recap since the last I stopped blogging... we have 2 years to catch up on!
2022-2023
Looking back, my senses were hit 180 degrees by all the changes that came my way back in April 2022. My circumstance rendered me impossible to even put in words how I truly felt inside. You could say that my comfort zone which I had known for 14 years came crashing down on me, and what came along was challenging to say the least. I was essentially crushed and could not breathe, figuratively. All my emotions were put to the test and it's only this year that I feel I have come out of the woods and can look back and be thankful: that I am still sane, my mental health has greatly improved (tears no longer roll down at triggering thoughts, or looking at some old photos of my life back in London), and... I am still married to the same man.
Work-wise, I took on an unbelievably difficult role back in a financial institution with a more-than-demanding stakeholder.. she was impossible to please. She offloaded her stress to me, and whatever I did was never good enough for her. The subtle sighs when I delivered a piece of work to her, all the late nights I was putting in, all were futile. Clearly she needed someone more senior who could give her more than what I could, despite me putting in 110%. My line manager was eager to please, and would agree to go the extra mile of additional work for her, and the person going the extra mile was me, not her. I would wake up on some mornings with panic attacks, just wanting to cry and not go to work. I remembered clearly the night before I went back to work after a 2 week trip back to the UK. I was paralysed with fear at the thought of facing her when I got back. My heart was palpitating and I just couldn't sleep. Finally I fell asleep around 4am and woke up with panda eyes, asking myself what have I done - moving 10,000km home for this sh*t job. Honestly, that question crossed my mind every single day in 2022 till early 2023. The light at the end of the tunnel finally arrived when I applied for an internal role in April 2023 and got the job - I couldn't tell you how elated and relieved I was. A huge boulder rolled off my shoulders. It was celebration all round, everyone on my floor who knew me congratulated me and expressed how happy they were for me. Even till today, even though I have stopped working for her, when I see her in the corridor, I will instinctively walk the other way and avoid her.
Living arrangement wise, the place which we envisioned to move in shortly after moving back took forever to get done, not to mention the endless conflicts with the builder. What was meant for 6-9 months took 1 year and 9 months. All our stuff in temporary storage, not knowing when we can finally open our boxes. After a very long and hard day at work, all I wanted was to go back to my cocoon and not talk, but just have dinner and have a quiet evening. In fact I would have no more energy left to hold a proper conversation because everything has been sucked out of me at work. I am also an introvert in case you haven't known. I need quietness to recharge. Sadly it was impossible in the situation I was in. After food I would go back to our room and tears would just fall. I knew I was spiralling into depression. The builder kept making empty promises and the timeline shifted endless times. Each time we met him, he brought my hopes up of the project's completion and we could move in within a few months. Rental in Singapore would require a minimum of 6 months and each time K and I would agree it is not worth the packing and moving to stay somewhere for less than 6 months because you know "the builder promised they will ramp up the work and send more workers to get it done in the next 3 months". Call us naive but I was so burdened with my work that I had not much capacity to make life plans so to speak. And the thought of packing again to move out, and repacking to move into the new place just sounded so much work. We were caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
I wanted to do life changing things. Things that were still within my control because at that point I felt that everything I faced was not within my control. I went to do Lasik because everyone told me it is "life changing". I bought a second hand weekend car to help get us around. We weren't near the train station and to walk in the unforgiving heat here was not helping either. That was life changing. I signed up for weekly Zumba classes and forced myself to get out of work on time one day a week. I remembered one night I was crying while walking home from Zumba class. "It is all just too much to handle God!" I cried. I went back home to our bedroom and the kids were prancing around. They saw my teary eyes and - bless them - they were surprised and kept asking why was I so sad. "Why mummy? Why are you crying? Was it because the Zumba class was too difficult for you? Did the teacher scold you?" I thank God for these two beautiful souls who managed to make me laugh out loud with their innocent thoughts.
When someone is depressed, they don't necessarily write it on their face. They can mask it when they are out and about. In the stillness of the night when kids were asleep on the floor and I on the bed looking down at them, the thoughts would creep up on me... I would be scrolling Instagram of a Singaporean celebrity who had just moved over to the UK and I would be triggered. The tears tap would be switched on. I had to unfollow these "triggering influencers". I would be looking at our photos of the home which we built in London, and my heart would break. I would think of the season and what flowers would be blooming in my garden.. I would look at the acceptance letter for Isabelle to join our local primary school and felt sorry she had to give up her chance. Countless times I would call my bestie Gabby and cry into the phone, and she would always encourage me and pray with me. Same with another close friend in Germany. Sometimes she would just listen to me cry over a Whatsapp call. I give thanks that my church friends back in London would check in on me. They would also encourage me and acknowledged the difficult circumstances which I was in. "It would be 100% better once you move out and have your own space", they reassured me. Another friend would later on tell me she was worried about my marriage with K, because she knew how polar opposites we were in our decision to move back. Call it a collective decision but you can say it was K who dragged us all back. Of course I felt resentment against him and I told him that countless times through my bleary and teary eyes.
Of course my aunts and my grandma were my cornerstone here. They agreed readily to look after our kids for an afternoon or sometimes for a weekend so K and I could run errands for the house. We were driving from one end of Singapore to the other. Our "Punggol runs" were happening on a weekly basis. There was so much work to be done house-wise too. I needed some respite from work and weekends were my hideaway time but how long can you hide when you have two young kids, aged 3 and 5? I'm also thankful for a group of core girl friends here whom I still count as close friends despite the 14 years I was away for. As a family we also plugged ourselves into a local church here and whilst I have never shared my inner thoughts with them, they have proven to come alongside us as a family, to help settle back to life here and for that I am grateful. On weekdays where my family are unable to help, God sent us two families who live nearby who volunteered to pick our kids up from pre school, shower them and feed them dinner. Such a massive blessing these friends have been to us, more than they will ever know.
Rebuilding my life
1st June 2023 was the date I said goodbye to Miss Demanding at work and changed roles. That was the first step in rebuilding my life. I went back to a role that I was familiar with and my new stakeholder couldn't be more different, in fact he is the polar opposite. He is so chilled and never throws work in my direction unlike the other. I could finally smile at work and my countenance was brighter, steps are lighter. Many colleagues commented I look so much happier. And the silver lining? No more night calls. How unbelievable.
29th June 2023 K and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and we managed a 4D 3N getaway to Bali. Grateful to my aunts for taking the kids once again so we could go away and relive 4 days of life without kids. Ha but I ended up feeling so guilty about it that I think I will struggle to travel without them again.
23rd December 2023 was the date we moved into our new home. I couldn't believe when I was texting my friends and family announcing this good news. It felt surreal. Finally, close to 2 years in the making. This was a major step in rebuilding my life. I could finally call a place home. My cocoon. The introvert within me rejoiced. Our boxes from London could finally see the light of day. Of course moving out had it's hiccups but after one full year in this place, which I could make it mine, my mental health has turned around massively.
Nov/Dec 2024 All 4 of us flew back to the UK together for the first time for our family trip. It was K's and Gabriel's first time since moving back home. (My 3rd time as I took two prior trips with Izzy). I was emotional when the custom officer at Heathrow told us loudly "Welcome back!"
31st December 2024 was the date which I converted our weekend car to a normal car. In my effort to save money, I mentioned earlier that I decided to buy a second hand weekend car. It meant that we could only drive our car on weekdays past 7pm, or on weekends and public holidays. K and I decided that it is time to convert it as he has taken on a new job which requires him to use the car a lot more. Though not a major factor in rebuilding my life, I still think it is worth celebrating.
Today I feel more settled, relieved. Lighter. I am earning my keep and can provide for the kids comfortably. I try to put all the sad days in the past 2.5 years in the back of my mind. Those were dark days and I never want to experience them again. Never. I comfort myself that I can always fly back to see London and my friends whenever I can, and will continue to do so as long as I can. It would be like how I was flying back to Singapore once a year previously, just that the tables have turned. In my recent trip back to London, Gabby asked me "How are you feeling coming back this time round Bels?" I replied "It feels familiar all over again now that I'm back, but London feels like a distant, happy memory.. for now I think Singapore is where we are meant to be." I don't know what the future holds. Honestly no one does. We might move back to London again as we still have our place, and I always tell people "Never say never".
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